How do I deal with Step kids, and my partner doing nothing about what goes on here, ready to leave, at my end
My wife has 2 children, 10 and 13, and l am ready to lose it. They can be
great at times, but they can also be extremely disrespectful. They could
care less when one of us are sick, they want what they want when they want
it so we could be half dead and we would have to take them to do whatever
they want. There is no consequences for anything and if l give one, my
wife lets off of it. They do nothing around the house, leave food and
dishes and garbage everywhere...gum stuck to everything, they can be physical (in a not nice way) to me, tell me to shut up, they can destroy things, mine or in the house, and my wife just says it is kids, l am too harsh because consequences are not necessary, rules are not necessary, and they should not have to do anything around the house because they are kids...but they can go to the mall or movies on their own, do whatever they want but are too young to help out or pick up their dishes. Also, they suck attention like nothing l have ever seen before, a hang nail is a good opportunity to wail and bawl to get an hour of fussing over, so l have seen them stub toes, get hang nails, bump into stuff in upwards of 20 times a day for the attention. My wife and l rarely go anywhere unless it is to the grocery store...l wo not go with them because they beg for garbage and fattening food, and the one will pitch a fit, and take off hiding somewhere in the store and scream endlessly for literally hours. Am l wrong? Am l just as she says, ignorant about how kids should act, too harsh... Help!!! Any ideas?
Sounds like the kids are testing the new set-up the way kids do
to see where the boundaries are. Unfortunately, sounds like there aren't
enough boundaries, which is no doubt why they seek so much reassurance
even with methods that seem to injure them. Not a healthy dynamic. Worse,
too, when mom will not sit down with you privately to work up a parenting
plan you can both live with. Unless you're both working together with a
solid plan, ur parenting efforts will be inconsistent & ineffective. Mom will have to relinquish some of the parenting control & it sounds as if she is unwilling. Not good. You'd probably benefit from a session or two with a marriage counsellor familiar with blended family issues. Probably best together but sessions are often effective even when you go alone. Unfortunately, without a parenting strategy you can both follow, you will all have continued emotional chaos. You will never set reasonable goals together for the kids to meet, so it will be hard for them to know if they have pleased either of you. It is crucial for kids to test boundaries especially when there is a new person in the family. To succeed here, you have to establish primacy but you won't be able to unless mom fully co-operates. As it stands, you live like an unhappy tenant in a rental situation you will soon want to terminate. Either you're a primary permanent resident or you're not a resident at all. That is how it is gotta be.
Are you wrong about what? Those kids needs some discipline..I
don't mean hitting them, but the loss of privileges goes along way.. They
are not even happy with themselves, they know you both just let them do
whatever they want, & this doesn't not offer them security..The good thing
is they are still young enough to be taught how to act differently.:) They
have a bedroom, so when they act inappropriately they should be in
it..There shouldn't things to entertain them in the room, while they are on punishment. no game systems, stereos or tv's..All the things they do for attention., is because it gets them some sort of attention. If their big enough to go to the mal or movies, then their big enough to EARN the right to go to the mall or movies. The key to making positive changes in the house is to make sure both grown-ups agree on what happens if this happens. And make sure both grown-ups are consistant so the kids know what will take place every single time they act inappropriately..Within a month or so these children should be able to be better, act better & the whole house should be happier, if you apply some good ground rules & stick to them.. Kids are going to get away with as much as their allowed too. Part of being a good parent is teaching this self control, they will need this throughout life..Best wishes..:)
yep been there ,dun that ,happy little vegimites arn`t they at
that age with a defacto dad for them to test their hormome levels on.
have you had the ''your not my dad yet ? i havn`t had sucess yet
,but i wreckon ur partner/ the mum is the key to some adult like
''outsmarting of the kids '' come on ,there is two adults / parents who
should be able to outsmart the childrens ! familly talk ? maybee , be
nice & don`t react if they get nasty ,outsmart them, between you & mum you can work together , i feel for you as i`ve been there,good luck , just remember ''the good guy always wins in the end'' good luck from australia,
You & ur wife need go to step parenting classes. Since the
children are hers it is her job to teach her kids respect & responsibility
not yours. The fact that she is allowing the kids to be the adults & run
the household in the family shows that she herself is not an adult &
cannot make adult decisions. It is too bad you did not realize the
situation before saying the I dos. I have listed some sites for info but I
would also talk with ur wife about counseling & if she will not go than you go. The thing is sooner or later the kids will cause a dangerous situation due to their behavior is not held in check. Kids need to learn rules & guidelines to live by before they get out in the world. It is our duty as parents & their first teachers to help them learn that so when they are on their own they do not break laws of the land & can find gainful employment to support themselves. As a suggestion I remember once that a women had similar problem with her child that would throw a fit in the store, the child did not get what they wanted so they throw themselves on the floor having a tantrum. The women was besides herself let alone embarrass as ever. Her counselor suggested the next time the child does this kind of behavior copy them, do the same thing as they are doing & see what happens. She did & the kid tells his mom stop you are embarrassing me. She just told him well how does it feel since you do it to me all the time.
you will have to leave the parenting to her. these are not ur
children.. they are hers
you can put in ur two cents.. but sometimes that is about all it is worth
it is not easy to try to raise someone else children
and when you don't have ur own children.. it is hard to really have the
compassion you need to give them the type of love & attention the children need they are without their real father to raise them. they have been torn away from their security if you really want this marriage to work.. try doing family therapy it will teach ur wife how to discipline her children better & help you become a better father to them & help the children over the loss of the family they once had good luck to you & ur family
you're not ignorant, she is, children are not supposed to act
like that. the two of you need to talk more about the situation, & get on
the same page about dealing with the kids. you're not too harsh, shes just
laxed in her ways when it comes down with dealing with them. or she may not
know how to deal with it. I see nothing wrong with giving kids chores
around the house, or getting them to clean up behind themselves, or having
respect for parents. they are preteens, they need rules & discipline. maybe you can find a book on child rearing & give it to ur wife to read, then the two of you discuss it, & you really need to talk to her & tell her how you really feel about it. & if nothing change, youve tried, & you should leave. good luck with everything.
You are talking about kids . some level of selfishness is to be
expected. That is just how young humans are. The important thing is that
they don't carry that attitude into adulthood. However, what you've
written seems to go above & beyond the natural selfishness of minors. Your
wife needs to be the one to really lay down the discipline. They are, after
all, her biological children. It is HER job. If she won't do it . maybe it
is time for you take walk away for a bit until she gets it that you are unwilling to tolerate these types of living conditions with her children. The kids should have rules & consequences & chores. If they don't, I don't really want to think about what kind of adults they will be in this world.
I would say my attitudes about disciplining children (and how
they should act) are very similiar to your own. However, when it comes to
divorced (with children), I think the issue should have been addressed
prior to marriage (and you should have lived in the house to see how
things are handled). Step-children will test a step-parent constantly and
with-out any support from the actual parent (who has known the the children
their whole life) its a recipe for disaster.
Those are horrible children..and your mate is a freaking idiot.
I'd be packing my bags and hitting the highway...
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